Journal Personnel ~***Lily's***~

I knew there was something there. Some part of me knew it in a way. I was captivated by you, always wanted to be with you.

Then I noticed you were really looking at me, and my world changed. All I was thinking about was you. And I was wondering if I were dreaming, how could you even look at me with those eyes. You, who already had someone.

But I have been the luckiest girl in the world. In a way, we can say I am the one you chose. And it's never going to be the same, no. I have never felt this way before.

And when you look at me with those loving eyes, I know it will always be like this, and I am scared. I have been crushed more then once before. My heart broken to pieces. And in those times, I thought I'd never love again. I believed that my heart was ruined for good. But you woke something in me, something I thought had vanished.

My heart is the one of a fourteen year-old. I smile when I think about you and my friends are tired of listening to me talk about you all the time. The feelings I keep bottled up inside are strong, even though I know it doesn't show. I keep trying to say the words to you. But each my mouth opens, I can't seem to get it right.

Sometimes, when you look at me, and I try to say what I have on my mind, my heart gets crazy. It seems fragile and on the edge of breaking down. So I turn away, and keep these things to myself, praying that someday I'll be able to tell you how much I care.

Because I never ever thought or believed that I could find you...

One month today...

You know the moment before it all settles down to be what it's supposed to be ?
The moment when you don't know what you want, when you don't know anything about each other ?
You know the feeling of constant fear and joy that precedes every conversation ?
What are you going to say ? Is it going to sound stupid ?
Am I interesting ? Is he looking at me at all ?

And when he does look your way, is he thinking what you're thinking ?
Does he see you for what you are ?
Is he wondering what he's going to say ?

Why is he not talking to me ? Why am I waiting for him to make a move ?
I thought he was into me, but was he ?
He's not saying anything, should I say something ?

You know, the moment when nothing's figured out.
I love and I hate this moment. I wish I knew, I wish I didn't.
It all feels weird and it all feels great.

Wild World - Or my sad song...

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you want to leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you want to leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Chorus

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

I knew it was you. I did not ask, but I was sure.
Alright, maybe I'm wrong, call me paranoid.
But I had a feeling it was you.
I did not want to know really, I did not want to listen and know.
I just got back into my shell and hoped you would ask for me.
Because I am still waiting for you to try, to try to get me back into your life.
I am waiting for this opportunity to slam the door shut in your face.
I am wainting for a grand gesture, for some remorse.
I will never be comletely healed from this wound.
There will always be a part of me that will grieve for this friendship.
A part of me will always hate and wait for you.
I will always feel ashamed for the faith I put in you.
I will never be able to forget, nor forgive, it seems.

Cannot believe I am still talking about you here.
At least I have this place here where I can hate you for a while and then move on until I come back to write about you.

In a way, I am sorry I am still holding a grudge against you.
I would say ''How are you these days ? '', but the answer to that question would not help me at all.
I still occasionally hope you get what you deserve.
I am sorry about that too.

So, what I would like to say is : I hope you have the life you deserve. Because after all, you deserve to be happy like everyone else. Even if I hate you still, even if I never want to see you again. And above all, I am sorry I have never been able to tell you all those things face-to-face and apologize to you for all this.

Some would say that I do not have to apologize about what I did, but I should have been the adult in this situation. I should have been the strong one. The one who forgives and moves on. I should have been the kind person I thougth I was.

Sorry

We don't know each other that much, but I'm thinking about your face all the time.
It's been forever since we've seen each other it seems. In fact, I think it's been over a month.
I want to see your smile. I want to see your eyes.
I want to smell your hair and feel the softness of your skin.
I want you to make me laugh. I want you to make me cry.
I'm here alone and I'm missing you like crazy.
I don't want to think about the way you might feel about me.
For once, I want to believe it could work. I want to pretend you feel the same way.
I want to imagine kissing your lips at night, holding you in my arms.
I miss you... I hope I'll see you in my dreams tonight...